I don’t want to be Asian anymore. “Asian” is a blanket title I’ve hidden under in fear of others aggravating my racial anxiety. (That’s when I hear someone mention my race, I’ll hold my breath and hope they don’t say something stupid.) It’s frustrating when it’s a negative stereotype and others agree with laughter. If I speak up, they won’t understand or believe it’s not true and if I don’t say anything, it’s a silent agreement.

Fact: Asians are not the hardest demographic to insure.

Tuesday, a 65 year old New Yorker got kicked in the chest by a stranger. January 28, an 84 year old man in San Francisco out for a walk, was attacked, died two days later. March 17, a 76 year old Oakland resident was punched in the face, like he was a Nazi. The previous day, Atlanta has a mass shooting. It’s hard watching these videos of elderly people get accosted while doing daily routine things. There is that look of fear being alone and knowing nobody is there to help. Just saying… I get it. Growing up on 80’s movies, I’ve been xenophobic. Taking longer looks at anyone with accents or wore anything foreign. Australians and Canadians got passes because they were never depicted as terrorists. Back to the Future taught me Libyans like second rated artillery. You can literally go into another country to steal their heritage and bring it back to America like Indiana Jones, as long as it stays in a museum. I also understand the frustration that your graduation, wedding, or big Disneyland trip was cancelled in 2020. I also get it feels better when you release it on someone you feel in some way is responsible.

Fact: Punching Asians will not cure the virus.

I went to a Spring Training game in Peoria, Az, circled the park looking for the starting lineup board. I couldn’t find it so I asked the information booth. The older lady at the booth said the Chinese government didn’t tell us how dangerous the virus was going to be so they can’t post the lineup. No matter how hard I tried enjoying the game, I felt it sound like an excuse for forgetting to put out the chalk board. It was obviously the Misinformation booth. It’s also my fault for letting my guard down. I’ve given moments like this a pass because it’s not worth my time. It involves composing thought and the right words explaining why I was insulted to someone that has confidence to say it out loud to my face. My racial anxiety kicks in. Hold my breath and brace. I hate hearing where are you from, then where are your parents from, even in friendly conversation. Once the follow up was “wait….are you a communist?”

Fact: all racist start their sentences with “I’m not racist.”

I witnessed a woman walking into a Chinese restaurant and asked if they had sushi. I have a coworker say he would never try sushi because it’s not cooked or he would never get into a car with me if I’m driving. They think gyoza and a potsticker are the same (it is). We invented PF Changs for people that love Chinese food but is too afraid to get it from Chinatown. Most of these ignorants are Hurley from Lost, calling Jin and Sun Chinese (they are Korean) or Micheal telling his son “those people don’t like our kind” assuming things based on what he learned second hand. It’s the most American thing we do. Not invest time in understanding other cultures and customs because it’s easier to be mean than empathetic. We want them to speak English on their own soil. I’m so American, I don’ know which cave Iron Man was captive for three months, Iraq or Iran. Even if I google it, I couldn’t tell the difference between the cultures.

Fact: Ice cream isn’t cooked either.

I am asking for empathy. How would you feel if I ran up from behind and knocked your nana over then ran off? What if this happened to you and you’re not even Chinese? How can we be so woke and sensitive about systemic racism, can’t say bomb at the airport, but still let our elders get assaulted in their neighborhood? Elderly Asians are not humidifiers infecting their cities or walking cigarettes that needs that needs to be put out by pushing us to the ground. Decking Asians then running away is no different than internet trolls. Passive people closing the door, watching, or remain silent is no different than people posting the Michael Jackson eating popcorn gif. These elderly Asians are our parents, grandparents, or uncle. The ones that offer us fruit when we’re watching TV, uses the bathroom after you because they know you have a day to conquer. The guy that bought you an overpriced balloon at a fair, trusted you instead of tying it to your wrist, then said nothing when you accidentally let it go. The same shy people that are more scared now and they need us to give them courage to not be ashamed of something they are not responsible for.